Mimicking Parseltongue and Other Stupidity
by Zoruaeon
Summary: Ever been reading a story or fanfiction and thought 'Wow, that was really dumb.' or 'That doesn't make any sense? Well me too. This is a series of one-shots where I write about the particularly dumb things in Harry Potter. Both canon stupidity and fanon tropes will be represented. Enjoy if you're looking for a short laugh.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.**

 **So this story will basically be a series of one-shots about particularly dumb things I found in Harry Potter. Either in the canon or fanon cliches.**

 **This first one is about something I always had a particular problem with since it just came out of nowhere that it was possible. So I messed with it.**

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It was the day of the Final Battle against Voldemort at Hogwarts. Hermione and Ron had approached the Chamber of Secrets in the hopes of getting venom from the giant Basilisk that Harry had killed there in his Second Year as a student.

Hermione and Ron ran into the Girl's Bathroom commonly haunted by Moaning Myrtle that contained the secret entrance into the Chamber. At the sinks, which Ron had informed Hermione was the secret entrance, the two stopped as they realized there would be no way for them to access the Chamber without speaking the password in Parseltongue, the magical language of the snakes that only Voldemort and Harry had been known to currently be able to speak.

Hermione fretted about the sinks, searching for some alternate pathway into the Chamber. She leveled her wand at the sink entrance and fired a blasting curse in the hopes that she could just destroy it. Stupidly, it worked. As she and Ron peered into the dark hole that was revealed from the rubble of the entrance, she thought on how she had expected the entrance to be protected against just such an attack.

With an inward shrug and another wonder at the illogical nature of Witches and Wizards, she allowed Ron to slide down the large pipe inside the entrance first as he had already done it once before.

After a long slide that might have been fun if it wasn't so dark and dirty, the two emerged into an open space that led from the mouth of the slide. After cleaning the slime off of themselves, they continued on. Moving around the rubble that remained from the slight cave-in of their Second Year, they followed the only available path.

Eventually, they reached a large, circular metal door that was guarding what could only be the Chamber of Secrets. It appeared that this was the actual entrance and that the bathroom was only the entrance to the entrance.

Hermione and Ron approached the door and attempted to open it. After it failed to open after a push and unlocking charm, Hermione once again tried to blast her way through. This time though, it appeared that the entrance was protected as her spell had no effect on the door.

Hermione searched about the door for another way in, but quickly found that it was sealed shut. She realized that it must require a Parseltongue password like the sinks above. She was just about to run to Harry and hope that he could quickly help them with the password when Ron stepped past her to the door.

"What are you doing, Ron?" Hermione hissed, "We need to get Harry to open the Chamber!"

"Hermione," he replied then paused in what he thought was a dramatic manner but only served to irritate the time-conscious, frazzled witch, "trust me."

"What are you going to do?" she asked.

"I'm going to speak the password and open this door." He said proudly.

"You. You're going to speak Parseltongue," she deadpanned skeptically.

"Well, yeah," he replied defensively.

"And how, may I ask, can you speak Parseltongue when only Harry and Voldemort can? Have you always been able to and just never told anyone?"

"No! I'll just…you know…mimic it."

"Can you even mimic Magical Languages? Can they be learned by anyone? If so, why hasn't anyone else tried to learn it?" Hermione asked rhetorically, not expecting one with the studying habits of Ron to know such answers.

"L-Look. I've been around Harry saying Parsel-stuff a lot. I know I can do this," he implored.

"Alright, let's say that you can mimic Parseltongue. How are you going to know what the password is?" she continued her train of questions.

"I was there when Harry spoke Parseltongue to open that locket. I'll just say what he said then, no problem."

"Ignoring the possibility that they may be different passwords, you remember what Harry said when you only heard it once and were concerned with the locked at the time?"

"It was a short phrase," he replied defensively.

"Ok, ok. Go ahead and give it a shot," she relented.

"Alright here I go."

Ron moved until he was directly in front of the large metal door. He cleared his throat loudly and proceeded to make a horrible, strangled hissing noise at it.

"Haaaa sssssaaaaa ssshraa sssserassss."

It certainly sounded like it could have been Parseltongue, but open finishing his phrase, the large door refused to open.

"Er, maybe I should try again," he said nervously, "Haaaa sssssaaaaa ssshraa sssserassss."

Again, the door remained closed.

"Haaaa sssssaaaaa ssshraa sssserassss!" he said more forcefully, "Haaaa sssssaaaaa ssshraa sssserassss. Haaa-"

"Stop, stop, stop," Hermione interrupted his attempts as it became increasingly clear that it wasn't working.

"Honestly, you're saying it wrong; it's SSSSERassss, not sssserASSSS," she continued knowledgeably.

"Oh, if you're so smart, why don't you give it a go?" Ron replied angrily.

With a huff she pushed past Ron and stepped in front of the gate.

"Haaaa sssssaaaaa ssshraa sssserassss," she intoned calmly.

With loud rumbling sound, the circular metal gate slide aside to reveal the Chamber of Secrets. With a smirk aimed in Ron's direction, Hermione sauntered into the Chamber smugly.

"But, but. How did she know how it was pronounced," Ron asked out loud confusedly.

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 **So, I thought this would be a lot more Ron-bashing than it turned out to be. I think it's a change for the better though. If anyone has an idea that they want to see written in this one-shot collection then review or pm or whatever. I probably won't update this too consistently, just whenever I have an idea and get in the mood.**

 **Maybe next time I'll tackle the trope of Harry being the head of multiple houses and having many marriage contracts since I always found that idea really dumb, not sure yet.**

 **If you like this, maybe try reading some of my actual stories with plot and stuff. They have some laughs too, or will as they progress. And if you didn't like this, maybe try reading some of my actual stories with plot and stuff. They have plot and development, or will as they progress.**

 **Till next time.**


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